Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Aviation jokes

A collection of aviation jokes to lighten your day:

A Pan Am 727 waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Pilot to tower.

"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "

"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.

The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.

The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.

The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"

"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."


I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.I said "Hi Jack."He shot me.


According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.


It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane`s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.The theory is that if the windshield doesn`t crack from the carcass impact, it`ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they`re developing.They borrowed the FAA`s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer`s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."


A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I`m the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane."I`m the world`s greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane."I`m the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.""You don`t have to stay here! The world`s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."


This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I`d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."That`s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!


A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who`s crying. They ask him why he`s crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"They drive more and meet another boy who`s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who`s laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what`s so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"


Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I`m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won`t eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won`t enjoy it so much".


A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he`s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn`t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he`s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"


Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees..""But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 737 makes when it hits a 747?


A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.

When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.

“Oh, no thank you,” replied the priest. “I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, “Excuse me, miss, I didn’t know I had a choice.”


Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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